Looking within to find yourself

If I have learned anything, it is that looking within yourself and understanding the journey you have travelled is key to your healing. After the experience of Looking within , I found the fragmented parts that I had left behind. 

Quieting the mind and listening to the little girl within was key to my personal healing journey. I learned that she was the gentlest of souls, and was only seeking safety and love. She was afraid of being hurt, and my carrying on with life behaviors (benevolent dictator) was working to keep her safe. I realized that I was playing the role that we both needed to carry on after the trauma. 

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Fragmented Selves

I am amazed that somehow I intuitively knew that I had some fragmented parts. I knew that there was a Benevolent Dictator who was holding it all together. I also knew that there were hurt parts that I was working so hard to deny. Until I no longer could.

It is interesting to me now, that it should have been glaringly clear but I missed it. I have worked my way to wholeness, developed my own methodology for doing so and maintaining it. I am a lucky one, but surely everyone was not doing this on their own.

Surely the Mental Health professionals were aware of and fixing Fragmented Selves. So I began my research, which turned up surprising results.

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Journey to heal a Soul Split

When your soul suffers a trauma, they say that a piece of your soul stays stuck in that event. Until enough healing has occurred to thaw the event.

To be honest, I didn’t know if I was simply grieving Mom’s death, or if something was happening inside of me. I just felt this confusing mix of heaviness, and then a feeling as though a burden had lifted. I immediately felt guilty about this.

“I am sorry Mom but to be truly honest with you, I feel guilty but it was a bit of a relief when you decided to let go. The journey had been exhausting. For both of us, and I wasn’t able to see clear to it ending. I didn’t want the finality of it, but my heart could not take watching you be in so much pain anymore.”

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Finding my inner child: It’s my time now

Putting the pieces together. Finding her was the key to healing my heart and soul. Let the healing begin.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. – Carl Jung”

The back of the picture was stamped July, 1963. So I was just barely over three years old. I looked at the picture, stared at it actually. I had not seen it in years. The first thing I noticed was that both of the eyes and mouth were smiling. I had never seen that smile on my face. I couldn’t stop looking, it absolutely radiated, and I thought to myself where on earth did it go?

I was going through the pictures to get things ready for my Moms funeral.  My heart ached; I loved my Mom dearly and really felt as though my knees were knocked out from underneath me. To see this picture brought fresh tears to my eyes. Who was this little girl, and why didn’t I know her? It was like she was someone else, not me. I showed my husband, look I do know how to smile I said. He looked at the picture and quietly nodded. I expected more of a reaction than that, so of course I pushed. What don’t you like the smile I said?

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