My Story – Jacquie McCarroll

Do we need resolution to our parent’s story?

If there are questions about our parents story, does this impact us?

Do we need to know our parent’s stories? Do their stories need to be resolved in order to provide Forgiveness? Can we just create our own story independent of theirs?

It reminded me of when I was young, and the things that I put myself through because of the fact that I did not know my dad’s story. I only knew the end as far as it pertained to me. I recall making stories up in my mind about what could have happened to him. Looking back, I caused myself such anguish imagining all of the ‘What if’ scenarios.

When you have an active imagination, such as I do you can dream up some pretty convincing stories. But each of them just made me feel worse, and the ending always reached the same conclusion. He didn’t love me enough to stay. I made it about me, but it never is.

I just knew that after that fateful night, when he was taken away as I described in The Web of Life he did not return. I know that my Mom went to visit him at the hospital where he was taken but that is where the story ends. At least the story that was shared.

How I became the Fixer

I turned myself into the ‘Fixer’. Nobody assigned me this role, it is mine to own.

I know now that I am sensitive by nature, naturally empathetic and a gentle soul. This I know clearly by getting to know my Inner Child . She is gentle and loving and very selfless. But I am also a warrior, the ‘keepin on with life’ part of me that has helped me survive all these years, is an absolute warrior. A complicated mix that isn’t always easy to manage. The internal conversations, that I have with myself can often be at odds with one another.

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Looking within to find yourself

If I have learned anything, it is that looking within yourself and understanding the journey you have travelled is key to your healing. After the experience of Looking within , I found the fragmented parts that I had left behind.

Quieting the mind and listening to the little girl within was key to my personal healing journey. I learned that she was the gentlest of souls, and was only seeking safety and love. She was afraid of being hurt, and my carrying on with life behaviors (benevolent dictator) was working to keep her safe. I realized that I was playing the role that we both needed to carry on after the trauma.

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Healing my heart: In one piece

For the first time in my life I feel that I am ‘In one piece’. Like humpty, dumpty put back together again.

And I am amazed that with my focus on healing, that I have been fortunate to have it all come together intuitively for me. The key was for me to get out of my head, and start to listen to what my body was telling me. Continue reading “Healing my heart: In one piece”

Fragmented Selves

I am amazed that somehow I intuitively knew that I had some fragmented parts. I knew that there was a Benevolent Dictator who was holding it all together. I also knew that there were hurt parts that I was working so hard to deny. Until I no longer could.

It is interesting to me now, that it should have been glaringly clear but I missed it. I have worked my way to wholeness, developed my own methodology for doing so and maintaining it. I am a lucky one, but surely everyone was not doing this on their own.

Surely the Mental Health professionals were aware of and fixing Fragmented Selves. So I began my research, which turned up surprising results.

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How to overcome our triggers

Feeling Triggered?

With all the uncertainty in the world, it is no doubt that many of us are struggling with our feelings. I know that the FEAR that has been a constant, is triggering my old wounds. I feel that I constantly have to revisit my coping strategies in order to deal with all that 2020 has to offer. It is surely the gift that just keeps giving.

FEAR for me is the big one. It is something that I personally find the hardest to tackle, as it triggers easily for me. But I am happy to say that I seem to be managing well through all the change. It feels as though all of the coping strategies that I have been clarifying, refining and developing for myself are being put to the test. Over, over and over again.

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Just doing our Best

Been thinking of a special someone recently. You see I have been blessed to have a very best friend since early childhood. And I find myself thinking of her Father. He was a good and decent man. Very kindhearted and what I would call ‘a kind soul’.

He is the only man that truly felt like a father to me. He was not without problems. He had his vices, and the one that he struggled with was an ‘alcohol addiction’.

I know that for my friend, it was very troubling and somewhat embarrassing. We talked about it for sure, but I always saw the person underneath the problem. With him, I always saw them as separate things. Probably because he was kind enough to do the same for me.

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The art of Letting go: Let your heart feel

As fall approaches and I watch the trees turn color, I am in awe at just how easy it is for them to transition from one season to the next. It seems effortless; they simply seem to know intuitively how to move from one way of being to the next. And it occurs to me, that we humans could learn valuable lessons from this.

I walked through the park, and was in awe of the trees. The season of change, and nature just adapting as it always seems to do so effortlessly. There is no planning, debate or discussion around what it is to do next. The season simply responds to the world around it, and adapts.

It made me think about my own journey of healing, and how I spent so much time trying to think my way through to resolution. Little did I know that healing does not happen in the head but in the heart.

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Breathe for Peace

Who knew, apparently there is something to the term “Take a Deep breath”.

I learned early on to suppress feelings that were too much for me to manage. We all do it through our Breath. I became a shallow breather, so that my emotions would not be felt. A lot of us quit breathing fully because we didn’t want to feel our feelings. We held our breath to hide from a lot of things we were taught not to do – like get angry, cry in public, or through traumatic or anxious situations. The only problem is that while holding our breath and breathing shallowly can effectively shut down our feelings, it can’t get rid of them. They just get locked somewhere in the muscles of our bodies.

I had never really paid attention to this, until a friend who was doing a massage on me asked “Do you even breathe?”. I had no idea what she meant until she said, your breathing is so shallow. Try to inhale a deep breathe, hold it and then release all of it.

Shallow breathing often accompanies fear, however subtly that fear might be felt. Deep, full breathing often accompanies confidence. When a full breather takes shallow breaths over a prolonged period, they begin to feel a hint of panic that a lack of oxygen can induce. The shallow breather can feel that all the time, without being aware of it.

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Grief: Gone too soon

It was a little brisk this morning, and you could feel that summer was starting to slip away. Shifting gears with the change of colors. We walked along, my little friend and I. She seemed quieter today, a little reflective.

“Is everything okay”, I asked. ‘Yes, just thinking”, she answered. If I wasn’t mistaken, I would have thought she was mad.

“Mind if I ask what about?” There was a pause as we walked along, and then she said his name. I was a little stunned. I hadn’t thought about him in a very, very long time.

“What were thinking about him?”

“That you should have listened to me, I told you he would leave”. “I told you not to let him get close that it would hurt too much”.

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