Fight, Flight or Freeze

It was a gorgeous morning as we headed out on our walk. We headed to a heavily treed area, and as often happens, we saw a deer.

The dog had smelled it, long before we saw it. He usually does. And then we spotted it, and it stood perfectly still. We stopped as well, and watched it a moment. It had gone from running, to standing perfectly still. We watched for a few minutes, and then I forced the dog to move. I didn’t want for the deer to be worried about our presence. As soon as we started to move, the deer stomped it’s foot a few times and then ran off.

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FEAR

When we don’t let the FEAR move through us, it can take hold with a vice grip.

It was a beautiful sunny day as we headed out for our walk.. I could feel her skipping along beside me as we walked. For some reason it was annoying me. I allowed this for a time, and then I said “you know we have to get back to work”. “We took time off to look after Mom but this can’t go on forever. I have allowed you to have some time off, but now it is time to get back to it.”

I heard an incredulous voice say, “You call that time off”.

I ignored it. I was filled with agitation and had been applying for jobs, but there was an economic downturn where I lived. Even though I was sending out resumes, there were not a lot of bites. If I got an interview, I felt as though my heart wasn’t in it. I knew even in the interviews that I wasn’t giving it my all, but somehow I felt powerless. It was such an uncommon feeling for me, I was usually able to pull it together on command, but I have to say I was really struggling.

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Here we go

When your soul suffers a trauma, they say that a piece of your soul stays stuck in that event. Until enough healing has occurred to thaw the event.

To be honest, I didn’t know if I was simply grieving Mom’s death, or if something was happening inside of me. I just felt this confusing mix of heaviness, and then a feeling as though a burden had lifted. I immediately felt guilty about this.

“I am sorry Mom but to be truly honest with you, I feel guilty but it was a bit of a relief when you decided to let go. The journey had been exhausting. For both of us, and I wasn’t able to see clear to it ending. I didn’t want the finality of it, but my heart could not take watching you be in so much pain anymore.”

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Stop and Press Reset

Putting the pieces together. Finding her was the key to healing my heart and soul. Let the healing begin.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. – Carl Jung”

The back of the picture was stamped July, 1963. So I was just barely over three years old. I looked at the picture, stared at it actually. I had not seen it in years. The first thing I noticed was that both of the eyes and mouth were smiling. I had never seen that smile on my face. I couldn’t stop looking, it absolutely radiated, and I thought to myself where on earth did it go?

I was going through the pictures to get things ready for my Moms funeral.  My heart ached; I loved my Mom dearly and really felt as though my knees were knocked out from underneath me. To see this picture brought fresh tears to my eyes. Who was this little girl, and why didn’t I know her? It was like she was someone else, not me. I showed my husband, look I do know how to smile I said. He looked at the picture and quietly nodded. I expected more of a reaction than that, so of course I pushed. What don’t you like the smile I said?

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Awakening

Each time since early childhood when we stopped the flow of energy in a painful event, we froze that event in both energy and time.

The thing about this is that I am an incredibly private person. This bearing the details of my life is so very foreign and uncomfortable for me. I know for certain that I am not the only one that suffered a trauma or was abandoned by a parent as a child. I also know that we carry shame about these occurrences and that is what drives me to want to talk about it. So I have decided that I need to be brave enough to share my story so that others who have had similar experiences can potentially learn from my journey. If the sharing of what I have learned saves even one person from carrying shame that does not belong to them, then it will have been worth it for me.

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Web of Life

Our lives are intricate webs. Sometimes our web becomes entangled in ways we don’t immediately realize.

Our lives are like intricate weaves in a spider web. Every choice you make starts a new leg on the journey. There are twists and turns, and incredible patterns. When I listen to people’s stories I like to imagine what the web they are weaving looks like. In order to share my story, I need to first weave a part of my Mother’s Web. To me she has a beautiful, complicated web to share.

She grew up on the east coast of Canada. A spirited child from a large family. This part of her web is strong and fun with lines everywhere. With her desire for adventure, a small island held no hope of containing her long term.

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