Suitcase

I’m tired. I am desperately tired of watching people that carry wounds from their childhood into adulthood. They cover themselves in shame like a cloak. A raggedy patchwork cloak that they had no hand in making. And yet they let it cover them completely. Worse they let it define them and their future. I am no different, I wore the cloak of shame for too many years. Before I realized that it was not mine to wear.

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Fight, Flight or Freeze

It was a gorgeous morning as we headed out on our walk. We headed to a heavily treed area, and as often happens, we saw a deer.

The dog had smelled it, long before we saw it. He usually does. And then we spotted it, and it stood perfectly still. We stopped as well, and watched it a moment. It had gone from running, to standing perfectly still. We watched for a few minutes, and then I forced the dog to move. I didn’t want for the deer to be worried about our presence. As soon as we started to move, the deer stomped it’s foot a few times and then ran off.

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FEAR

When we don’t let the FEAR move through us, it can take hold with a vice grip.

It was a beautiful sunny day as we headed out for our walk.. I could feel her skipping along beside me as we walked. For some reason it was annoying me. I allowed this for a time, and then I said “you know we have to get back to work”. “We took time off to look after Mom but this can’t go on forever. I have allowed you to have some time off, but now it is time to get back to it.”

I heard an incredulous voice say, “You call that time off”.

I ignored it. I was filled with agitation and had been applying for jobs, but there was an economic downturn where I lived. Even though I was sending out resumes, there were not a lot of bites. If I got an interview, I felt as though my heart wasn’t in it. I knew even in the interviews that I wasn’t giving it my all, but somehow I felt powerless. It was such an uncommon feeling for me, I was usually able to pull it together on command, but I have to say I was really struggling.

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The Seat of my soul has a sense of humor

I wish had learned this lesson sooner in life. The stillness that comes when you quiet the mind is a beautiful thing!

“You can learn to quiet your mind and listen to the song of your soul – Katrina Mayer”

The difference between how our body and minds manage pain are immense. Have you ever noticed that your body just keeps doing its work, and you don’t obsess over it unless it causes pain? Then you do what you need to deal with the pain and move on. Our mind on the other hand is constantly on high alert to protect itself.

Our mind is constantly obsessing. It is working to try to protect us from things that may not ever even happen. Constantly worrying about what might be, and putting together plans for how to avoid it. For some of us, the constant chatter in our heads is incessant.’

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Osprey

Do you feel out of your comfort zone? Are the changes in your life overwhelming? Osprey lets you know you can survive even with your head under emotional waters.

“Know that now is the time to assert yourself. It will pay off. Believe in yourself!” Osprey

As my furry friend and I took our bone chilling walk this morning, I wondered why we are not as good a friend to ourselves as we are to others. I was proof positive of this, as I was always the first to criticize myself if I did something I perceived was not as good as it should be. The correct technical term is ‘Perfectionist’. It is something that I have been working hard on letting go of for a long time. Cutting myself a little slack.

But I knew that it wasn’t just me. There are many of us that do not treat ourselves very kindly. These people appeared to be all around me at the moment. Particularly those that were looking for work and unable to find it. They were perceiving themselves as not being worthy. Wondering why no interviews were coming their way, and blaming themselves.

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Vulnerability

Vulnerability is difficult for those of us that have been sheltering our hearts. But it opens up a whole new world of richer relationships when it is allowed.

“The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness. “ – Brene Brown

I have a confession, this little initiative of mine has a secondary purpose of forcing me to express my emotions, some of which have been bottled up for years and embracing what is most uncomfortable for me – Vulnerability.

Putting  “Stop and Press Reset” out there was my first exercise, in exposing a little piece of me. To say it was uncomfortable for me is a tremendous understatement. Will they think that I am coming apart at the seams, I worried? Will they think that the rock is crumbling? All of these thoughts roamed through my head, and when I published the post and there was no turning back my emotions ranged from tremendous fear to uncomfortable resignation.

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The End or the Beginning?

Grief is the price we pay for love.

“Healing starts the moment you accept the truth about what has happened. But healing doesn’t come quickly. When you know that death or pain has come, you face a moment when you stare that pain in the eyes and declare that you will not be defeated by it. Then you turn away and grieve.” Chris Pepple

Until recently I lead a very busy life, working full-time at a stressful corporate career, raising two wonderful children, being a wife, daughter and volunteer in my community.

In October of 2014, my husband and I decided that I would take a break to look after my 91-year-old mother that has been terminally ill for eight years, as she was really starting to fail.

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