I turned myself into the ‘Fixer’. Nobody assigned me this role, it is mine to own.
I know now that I am sensitive by nature, naturally empathetic and a gentle soul. This I know clearly by getting to know my Inner Child . She is gentle and loving and very selfless. But I am also a warrior, the ‘keepin on with life’ part of me that has helped me survive all these years, is an absolute warrior. A complicated mix that isn’t always easy to manage. The internal conversations, that I have with myself can often be at odds with one another.
I choose the role of ‘Fixer’, developing a codependency focused on my mother. My heart broke for her, and although she masked it extremely well, I knew that the struggles of her life wore her down. And that’s when I unconciously became a ‘fixer’.
In witnessing and attending to her pain, which by the way she never asked me to do, I was ignoring my own wounds. If they tried to surface, my warrior would stuff them down like nobodies business. I was a master at this craft. It is an automatic reaction, that I work everyday to try to overcome.
But now that she is gone, I am actively working to dismantle the harm that I have inflicted upon myself. Bringing my heart and body back in sync.
Trying to actually put my own feelings front and center is a foreign concept to me. And understanding my own emotions, and acknowledging them is also hard work. Just even allowing my emotions to surface is scary for me. I usually have to walk away and allow them to surface privately. It is more comfortable for me. But I am learning. Slowly but surely allowing my emotions to surface.
The Warrior in me, feels compelled to fix all perceived injustices. Combined with the Fixer, who considers the other persons feelings before their own and takes on the weight of the world, it can be extremely exhausting.
I had many experiences, nearing the end of mom’s life, where I was put in the position of conflict between trying to honor her wishes, and separating them from my own. Very uncomfortable positions for a fixer to be in. Because there simply was no fix, no matter how you looked at it. No fix to be found.
It forced me to disentangle my feelings from hers, which in the end was very helpful. It was the beginning of me, recognizing how entangled things had become.
It forced me to learn to consider my own feelings, which after denying for so many years was challenging. It is still a work in progress.
I look back at all of these learnings now and wonder how I had the blinders on for so long? How did I not recognize these things about myself? But I realize now that if you are not stopping once in a while to reflect, you can just carry on through life never stopping to course correct. Your sails just keep pointing in the same direction. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be this… Stop and go inside once in a while to see how you are feeling about things and the path you are on.
I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust the sails to always reach my destination.
The interesting thing about life is that it is all about learning. Learning to love and accept yourself, to understand yourself and strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be.
I am thinking that the Gentle Soul, Fixer and Warrior will make peace and be a beautiful combination in the very near future. They are already good pals, and now that they are aware of one another. Watch out!
Are you a Fixer? Gentle Soul? Have you figured out what path you are on? Are you sailing in the right direction?
Love and Light to you All