If I have learned anything, it is that looking within yourself and understanding the journey you have travelled is key to your healing. After the experience of Looking within , I found the fragmented parts that I had left behind.
Quieting the mind and listening to the little girl within was key to my personal healing journey. I learned that she was the gentlest of souls, and was only seeking safety and love. She was afraid of being hurt, and my carrying on with life behaviors (benevolent dictator) was working to keep her safe. I realized that I was playing the role that we both needed to carry on after the trauma.
Finding her and allowing her to feel what she needed, was one of the scariest things that I have done. When you have worked so hard to suppress feelings for so long, it is un-nerving to allow them to surface.
Old feelings, you never allowed yourself to truly work through. Surfacing like a tsunami, threatening your sanity. It wasn’t until I let my guard down and allowed myself to see her as a separate little person, that I could feel the compassion that she needed. She only needed to be allowed to release the hurt and fear in order to for once feel safe and secure. We show it so readily to others, so convincing myself that it was my turn was a turning point.
I couldn’t have explained this to anyone when it was happening. And perhaps it is as Janina Fisher describes in Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors that the trauma itself has created dissociative splitting. But all I know for sure is that my fragmented part was definitely exhibiting what she describes as the Submit part. Rather than fight or flight, my little one had got stuck in submit, where you become the self sacrificing caretaker. For anyone that knows me this would fit well.
“no recovery from trauma is possible without attending to issues of safety, care for the self, reparative connections to other human beings, and a renewed faith in the universe. The therapist’s job is not just to be a witness to this process but to teach the patient how.”
We have worked our way to wholeness and are working hard on eliminating the self sacrificing caretaker when she shows up. Remembering that we deserve to have a focus on ourselves as well. I really don’t need to call us ‘We’ anymore, as now ‘We are one’.
I am amazed that I intuitively followed my own guidance for healing, and as luck would have it found my way to Janina’s book which makes sense of all that I worked through.
It has been an interesting journey, and I welcome her with open arms and heart!
My Best wishes for you on your healing journey.
Love and Light