“God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers” Rudyard Kipling
Well my friends, I have decided that this will be my last post. Life has become very busy, and I find that I am just kind of grasping at straws for what to write. In starting to share some of my mom’s story, I have found that I think perhaps I never finished it because I really just wanted for it to be between she and I.
We rode a tough journey the last number of years. But we were together every step of the way. I would not give up the time that we had for anything in the world. As rough as it was, or as crazy as she drove me. I have done a lot of healing since she has been gone, and I have you all to thank for that too. You let me put my heart out there and brave the reaction that I might receive. For this I cannot thank you enough.
So, in honor of Mother’s Day I will share one last piece ……
I read these entries that I had made in my journal during that time eight years ago in the hospital and realized that this truly was the beginning of the end. It was blatantly clear to me now.
The last entry that I had made during this time, was just how I was feeling now. It was eerie.
As I watch you sometimes my heart aches. I know that you are desperate to talk but don’t know what to say. You are still protecting me after all these years. I am almost fifty, but to you I am still your child. You must not burden your child. This saddens me, as I want to help. I want you to be able to talk to me about what you are afraid of, what your life was like and how you feel about everything that is happening. Please share this with me.
I lay awake many nights, imagining what life will be like without you. I just cannot imagine. Making you laugh daily has been all that I have wanted to do. Some days it is a stretch, when I know that you are not feeling well at all. This makes you mad. You just cannot bear to not be in control of your failing body. I understand this. I think that it is not all together healthy for you to bottle up all of these feelings. Surely you must sit alone crying until you can’t cry anymore. I know that you don’t even burden your friends. How have you managed all these years, not confiding your problems in anyone? You must just want to explode sometimes or scream out loud.
Maybe that’s what we should do. I just take you out to a field and we scream until we can’t scream anymore.
I love you Mom with all my heart. I hope you know this with every breath you take. I also know that we bought you some time. It was intentional and perhaps selfish, but we weren’t ready for you to go. We wanted you to always have another thing to look forward to. This way, we could keep you around, fighting for the next event. I knew that you didn’t want to go. You wanted to see your grandchildren grow into the adults that they have become. They have, and now that the youngest (your sweetheart) has graduated from high school. I am afraid that you will through in the towel. I know that you are tiring and so do you. You won’t say so in so many words, but we both know that it is happening.
I am at a loss for what to do. What is the next thing that I can arrange, to keep you holding on? I am desperate to find it. What if I don’t find it in time? These are the things that keep me awake at night.
You are so strong that I know when you have made up your mind. There will be nothing that I can do to slow it down. What will I do then? How will I be able to maintain control?
I promise you though Mom, when I see that you have made your decision. I will not stand in your way, as much as I would like to, and my instincts will want me to. I will muster up some of the strength that you have provided me, and I will send you on your way.
I will hold on to the notion that I was provided with some extra time. I will be thankful for it, and I will let you go as gracefully as possible. It will be very hard, and I hope you will forgive me if I falter. It will without a doubt be one of the hardest things that I will ever have to do. I promise you that I will have the strength to help your beloved grandchildren through. I will ensure they know that you are not gone, but that you are watching over them always. They know this, as you know I have been trying to strengthen their spirituality in preparation for the inevitable. They are lucky that they know, just how much they meant to you. Of this I am certain. You did an amazing job.
And so with Grace and Letting Go…
May you have the Happiest of Mothers Days and hold your loved ones close