“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level – Echart Tolle”
February has always been a confusing month of mixed emotions for me. A confusing mix of beginnings and endings. Many important people in my life have come and gone during the month of February. But this particular February feels different. It feels like a month of closure to unfinished business from the past.
It started with my post of stop and press reset, where I looked inside and wondered where the little girl’s smile had gone. It was like a gift from my mother to look inside. And I have been quietly doing so for some time now. Opening my heart and mind to emotions left bottled up inside.
And although it has been frightening sometimes, I feel as though the weight is lifted.
I had the most wonderful walk today, that made all seem crystal clear. It started with seeing an eagle, which is always a sign for me to pay attention. I was thinking about how my father would be turning 100 years of age on February 11th, if he were alive. And I thought of how much time we had missed, as I really didn’t even know him. I was three when he left, and I have no memories of him. Not good or bad. Just simply no solid memories. But when I thought of him, I realize that I may not have any real memories of him, but that I know that he was there for me every time that I needed him.
A particular experience popped into my mind, it was years ago and I was helping someone against my better judgement. I was carrying a box down a set of concrete stairs that were filled with ice and snow. They were steep and there was about forty of them. I slipped and started to fall backwards, and I thought of how this is how it would end. Doing something that I felt I needed to but didn’t really want to, and now there would be no ability to change that. Fear filled my heart, and the next thing I knew I felt as though I was lifted and placed on the stair below me. I breathed a sigh of relief, and somehow new that an angel had saved me. This morning I knew with clarity that it was my dad. He was there for me when I needed him most. It made sense now who I felt around me when I was going through the end with mom. It was odd, I would have this feeling that someone was with me. It felt like an embrace in the darkest days.
And as I walked I saw a second eagle, and thought what a wonderful day this was. Then it occurred to me that my first love had been born and died in the month of February. I had been in a fog after his accident, and was closing my heart to love. A year after he was gone however, I found myself on a ski trip where I met the love of my life. I still think about it, and marvel at how odd it was that I was even there. A friend who I had not seen in quite a while, was insistent that I go with her. I tried everything to get out of it, but she would have none of that. And I met him, and there was this instant connection, which scared me. I went on a long trip shortly thereafter, and when I returned tried to break things off. He too, met me with a now or never ultimatum. I was not expecting this, and found myself not willing to choose the never. I had often wondered if there was some divine intervention and now felt that to be true.
I chuckled to myself, as I walked along and seemed to be filled with such clarity. I thought of my friends son who had also passed in this month, and how much I missed him but also how lucky I was that he seemed to send his love from afar. I often just feel that he is around, it is just a weird knowing that always makes me laugh. Just as he always did.
I have to say when I saw the third eagle, I almost gasped. Tears popped into my eyes, and I realized that I felt guilty that there was almost a sense of relief when the end came for Mom. I said, I am sorry Mom but it was getting to hard. My heart was aching, I hope you understand. And like a blessing, I heard her say… I too felt freedom my dear, from feeling like a burden.
And I walked under a tree where soft snow fell on me, like a beautiful crystal shower. It felt like a new beginning. And although there were many endings in the month of February, there were some pretty fantastic beginnings that also happened.
Like meeting my soulmate, and my own daughter starting married life with the man of her dreams.
And I smiled the rest of the way home, feeling like there was no unfinished business for me.
May peace be with you!