Forgiveness

Do we need to know our parent’s stories? In order to provide Forgiveness. And move on with our lives. 

I watched an episode of “This is Us” where Randal found out his Mother’s story. He felt immensely better knowing that he was born from two imperfect people who loved one another, and loved him. Nothing had really changed other than his perspective. 

It reminded me of when I was young, and the things that I put myself through because of the fact that I did not know my dad’s story. I only knew the end as far as it pertained to me. I recall making stories up in my mind about what could have happened to him. Looking back, I caused myself such anguish imagining all of the ‘What if’ scenarios.

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Self Love – A Priority

How about this year, we start with Self Love being a priority?

Just make a decision to put ourselves and our healing first. What if we decided that we would only allow into our lives those that lifted us up, at least for a time. Until we were feeling stronger and able to direct our lives the way that we wanted. Would it be that hard, to simply make the choice to ‘choose ourselves’?

We walk through life not feeling like we have a choice about who we let in.  I know when I was younger, I did not feel that limiting family access to my life was an option. The opinions of others held more weight than was comfortable. I know differently now. It is an option, if not a necessity. 

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The Fixer

I turned myself into the ‘Fixer’. Nobody assigned me this role, it is mine to own. 

I know now that I am sensitive by nature, naturally empathetic and a gentle soul. This I know clearly by getting to know my Inner Child . She is gentle and loving and very selfless. But I am also a warrior, the ‘keepin on with life’ part of me that has helped me survive all these years, is an absolute warrior. A complicated mix that isn’t always easy to manage. The internal conversations, that I have with myself can often be at odds with one another. 

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Living with an open heart

Living with an open heart can be very hard.  I am still working on it. Especially when there is so much fear and anger circulating in the world today. Everywhere you look fear is growing, and it appears to be gaining momentum and turning to anger in many.

“Fear left unchecked, can spread like a virus” Lish McBride

I know myself that Fear needs to be felt and resolved. Otherwise, it can overwhelm and consume me, replaying itself over and over. It is my biggest trigger and can consume me if left unchecked. I have learned to simply allow it to flood me, and sit with it until it has dissipated. Not allowing it the power it once had over me.

But I promised her that I would honor the gentle soul that she is, and therefore I  have to find the courage to do so.

I often chastised her for being so gentle, feeling so much. It scared me frankly. I felt as though, I would lose control if I allowed it to continue. I think many of us feel this way, particularly if we are sensitive or empathetic.

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Attachment Issues

Attachment Issues have always puzzled me. 

Apparently I stumbled upon what is likely the reason for why people find it so difficult to remove themselves from unhealthy family relationships. As I wrote in  Suitcase , I always found it frustrating to watch people continually seek the love and understanding from parents that are unable to provide them with what they need.  They just couldn’t seem to pull away, when it was obvious to observers that this was not helping them to heal. 

But as luck would have it, I stumbled upon the answer. I love when this happens, you are looking to figure something out and suddenly the answer shows up. 

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Looking within

If I have learned anything, it is that looking within yourself and understanding the journey you have travelled is key to your healing. After the experience of Looking within , I found the fragmented parts that I had left behind. 

Quieting the mind and listening to the little girl within was key to my personal healing journey. I learned that she was the gentlest of souls, and was only seeking safety and love. She was afraid of being hurt, and my carrying on with life behaviors (benevolent dictator) was working to keep her safe. I realized that I was playing the role that we both needed to carry on after the trauma. 

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Spiritual Bypass

I laugh now at some of the Self Help stuff that I have read over the years. But in actual fact, I don’t really think that it is funny.

I think that some of it is very dangerous, in fact. I too was a seeker on my journey and read endless books about trying to understand the subconcious mind. The overall theme was that there was something wrong with the way you were perceiving your situation.

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In one piece

For the first time in my life I feel that I am ‘In one piece’. Like humpty, dumpty put back together again.

And I am amazed that with my focus on healing, that I have been fortunate to have it all come together intuitively for me. The key was for me to get out of my head, and start to listen to what my body was telling me. Continue reading “In one piece”

Fragmented Selves

I am amazed that somehow I intuitively knew that I had some fragmented parts. I knew that there was a Benevolent Dictator who was holding it all together. I also knew that there were hurt parts that I was working so hard to deny. Until I no longer could.

It is interesting to me now, that it should have been glaringly clear but I missed it. I have worked my way to wholeness, developed my own methodology for doing so and maintaining it. I am a lucky one, but surely everyone was not doing this on their own.

Surely the Mental Health professionals were aware of and fixing Fragmented Selves. So I began my research, which turned up surprising results.

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We are Enough

So many of us when we encounter challenges, automatically go to our ‘I am not enough’ belief system. ‘I am not enough’, ‘My work is not enough’, ‘People don’t love me enough’. 

And our day spirals with the ‘not enough’ that we are feeding ourselves. It’s hard to catch ourselves when we are in this mode of action. But absolutely essential that we remember where it is coming from.

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