Gone too soon

It was a little brisk this morning, and you could feel that summer was starting to slip away. Shifting gears with the change of colors. We walked along, my little friend and I. She seemed quieter today, a little reflective. 

“Is everything okay”, I asked. ‘Yes, just thinking”, she answered. If I wasn’t mistaken, I would have thought she was mad. 

“Mind if I ask what about?” There was a pause as we walked along, and then she said his name. I was a little stunned. I hadn’t thought about him in a very, very long time. 

“What were thinking about him?” 

“That you should have listened to me, I told you he would leave”. “I told you not to let him get close that it would hurt too much”. 

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Girl without a Father

Dating a girl without a father will be one of the most confusing and exciting things you may do. You will do things all new couples do, joke, share silly stories and learn as much about each other as possible. There will feel as though there is an intensity to it that you won’t understand. She will be wanting to find out as much as she can about you. In a way you will feel as though she has a checklist and your answers are being evaluated. It will be conflicted with a lightness, that makes everything fun and exciting.  

You notice that she actively tries to make it fun. She needs it to be fun. Exciting. Fun and Light. She knows heaviness all too well. 

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Kids and Trauma

Trauma is a fact of life. This is the bad news. The good news is that so is resilience. We all have the capacity to rebound from stress and feelings of fear, helplessness and overwhelm.

I was surprised to learn in Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine, PHD that children are especially prone to be overwhelmed by situations that they may not have the capacity to emotionally manage. And if left unresolved, they can carry these issues into adulthood. 

“Trauma creates change you don’t choose, healing creates change you do choose. Michelle Rosenthall”

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It’s in your body

Looking for healing in your head, is like looking for a needle in a haystack. If you are like me you read, read and then read some more. Looking for the answers to why you react or behave in certain ways. When something triggers a fear, or a negative reaction of some sort we try to think our way out of it with limited success. Or talk our way out of it. This may work for some, but I am not one who shares my problems with others. That doesn’t work for everyone. For better or worse, I try to sort things out myself.  

For me understanding that there was such a strong relationship between our minds and bodies seemed to be the key to explore further. I always find it funny how when I am intellectualizing something, I seem to happen upon just what I need. Which is what happened with finding Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine, PHD.  Continue reading “It’s in your body”

Boundaries

Oh the things we don’t know.  For me Healthy Boundaries was one of them. 

When you grow up in a single parent family, you will likely know nothing about healthy boundaries. Chances are you will not know that it is even a possibility to have boundaries in place in relationships. You know only that you each depend on one another. It is all for one, and one for all. At least that is my experience. 

The same appears to be the case with families headed by Controlling Parents or Narcissists. Healthy Boundaries do not appear to be something that are even considered. There is only one option to do as they wish in order to keep the peace. But is that being true to ourselves? What about our choices?

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Suitcase

I’m tired. I am desperately tired of watching people that carry wounds from their childhood into adulthood. They cover themselves in shame like a cloak. A raggedy patchwork cloak that they had no hand in making. And yet they let it cover them completely. Worse they let it define them and their future. I am no different, I wore the cloak of shame for too many years. Before I realized that it was not mine to wear.

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Fight, Flight or Freeze

It was a gorgeous morning as we headed out on our walk. We headed to a heavily treed area, and as often happens, we saw a deer.

The dog had smelled it, long before we saw it. He usually does. And then we spotted it, and it stood perfectly still. We stopped as well, and watched it a moment. It had gone from running, to standing perfectly still. We watched for a few minutes, and then I forced the dog to move. I didn’t want for the deer to be worried about our presence. As soon as we started to move, the deer stomped it’s foot a few times and then ran off.

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FEAR

When we don’t let the FEAR move through us, it can take hold with a vice grip.

It was a beautiful sunny day as we headed out for our walk.. I could feel her skipping along beside me as we walked. For some reason it was annoying me. I allowed this for a time, and then I said “you know we have to get back to work”. “We took time off to look after Mom but this can’t go on forever. I have allowed you to have some time off, but now it is time to get back to it.”

I heard an incredulous voice say, “You call that time off”.

I ignored it. I was filled with agitation and had been applying for jobs, but there was an economic downturn where I lived. Even though I was sending out resumes, there were not a lot of bites. If I got an interview, I felt as though my heart wasn’t in it. I knew even in the interviews that I wasn’t giving it my all, but somehow I felt powerless. It was such an uncommon feeling for me, I was usually able to pull it together on command, but I have to say I was really struggling.

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Here we go

When your soul suffers a trauma, they say that a piece of your soul stays stuck in that event. Until enough healing has occurred to thaw the event.

To be honest, I didn’t know if I was simply grieving Mom’s death, or if something was happening inside of me. I just felt this confusing mix of heaviness, and then a feeling as though a burden had lifted. I immediately felt guilty about this.

“I am sorry Mom but to be truly honest with you, I feel guilty but it was a bit of a relief when you decided to let go. The journey had been exhausting. For both of us, and I wasn’t able to see clear to it ending. I didn’t want the finality of it, but my heart could not take watching you be in so much pain anymore.”

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Stop and Press Reset

Putting the pieces together. Finding her was the key to healing my heart and soul. Let the healing begin.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. – Carl Jung”

The back of the picture was stamped July, 1963. So I was just barely over three years old. I looked at the picture, stared at it actually. I had not seen it in years. The first thing I noticed was that both of the eyes and mouth were smiling. I had never seen that smile on my face. I couldn’t stop looking, it absolutely radiated, and I thought to myself where on earth did it go?

I was going through the pictures to get things ready for my Moms funeral.  My heart ached; I loved my Mom dearly and really felt as though my knees were knocked out from underneath me. To see this picture brought fresh tears to my eyes. Who was this little girl, and why didn’t I know her? It was like she was someone else, not me. I showed my husband, look I do know how to smile I said. He looked at the picture and quietly nodded. I expected more of a reaction than that, so of course I pushed. What don’t you like the smile I said?

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