I’m tired. I am desperately tired of watching people that carry wounds from their childhood into adulthood. They cover themselves in shame like a cloak. A raggedy patchwork cloak that they had no hand in making. And yet they let it cover them completely. Worse they let it define them and their future. I am no different, I wore the cloak of shame for too many years. Before I realized that it was not mine to wear.
Fight, Flight or Freeze
It was a gorgeous morning as we headed out on our walk. We headed to a heavily treed area, and as often happens, we saw a deer.
The dog had smelled it, long before we saw it. He usually does. And then we spotted it, and it stood perfectly still. We stopped as well, and watched it a moment. It had gone from running, to standing perfectly still. We watched for a few minutes, and then I forced the dog to move. I didn’t want for the deer to be worried about our presence. As soon as we started to move, the deer stomped it’s foot a few times and then ran off.
FEAR
When we don’t let the FEAR move through us, it can take hold with a vice grip.
It was a beautiful sunny day as we headed out for our walk.. I could feel her skipping along beside me as we walked. For some reason it was annoying me. I allowed this for a time, and then I said “you know we have to get back to work”. “We took time off to look after Mom but this can’t go on forever. I have allowed you to have some time off, but now it is time to get back to it.”
I heard an incredulous voice say, “You call that time off”.
I ignored it. I was filled with agitation and had been applying for jobs, but there was an economic downturn where I lived. Even though I was sending out resumes, there were not a lot of bites. If I got an interview, I felt as though my heart wasn’t in it. I knew even in the interviews that I wasn’t giving it my all, but somehow I felt powerless. It was such an uncommon feeling for me, I was usually able to pull it together on command, but I have to say I was really struggling.
Here we go
When your soul suffers a trauma, they say that a piece of your soul stays stuck in that event. Until enough healing has occurred to thaw the event.
To be honest, I didn’t know if I was simply grieving Mom’s death, or if something was happening inside of me. I just felt this confusing mix of heaviness, and then a feeling as though a burden had lifted. I immediately felt guilty about this.
“I am sorry Mom but to be truly honest with you, I feel guilty but it was a bit of a relief when you decided to let go. The journey had been exhausting. For both of us, and I wasn’t able to see clear to it ending. I didn’t want the finality of it, but my heart could not take watching you be in so much pain anymore.”
Stop and Press Reset
Putting the pieces together. Finding her was the key to healing my heart and soul. Let the healing begin.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. – Carl Jung”
The back of the picture was stamped July, 1963. So I was just barely over three years old. I looked at the picture, stared at it actually. I had not seen it in years. The first thing I noticed was that both of the eyes and mouth were smiling. I had never seen that smile on my face. I couldn’t stop looking, it absolutely radiated, and I thought to myself where on earth did it go?
I was going through the pictures to get things ready for my Moms funeral. My heart ached; I loved my Mom dearly and really felt as though my knees were knocked out from underneath me. To see this picture brought fresh tears to my eyes. Who was this little girl, and why didn’t I know her? It was like she was someone else, not me. I showed my husband, look I do know how to smile I said. He looked at the picture and quietly nodded. I expected more of a reaction than that, so of course I pushed. What don’t you like the smile I said?
Awakening
Each time since early childhood when we stopped the flow of energy in a painful event, we froze that event in both energy and time.
The thing about this is that I am an incredibly private person. This bearing the details of my life is so very foreign and uncomfortable for me. I know for certain that I am not the only one that suffered a trauma or was abandoned by a parent as a child. I also know that we carry shame about these occurrences and that is what drives me to want to talk about it. So I have decided that I need to be brave enough to share my story so that others who have had similar experiences can potentially learn from my journey. If the sharing of what I have learned saves even one person from carrying shame that does not belong to them, then it will have been worth it for me.
Web of Life
Our lives are intricate webs. Sometimes our web becomes entangled in ways we don’t immediately realize.
Our lives are like intricate weaves in a spider web. Every choice you make starts a new leg on the journey. There are twists and turns, and incredible patterns. When I listen to people’s stories I like to imagine what the web they are weaving looks like. In order to share my story, I need to first weave a part of my Mother’s Web. To me she has a beautiful, complicated web to share.
She grew up on the east coast of Canada. A spirited child from a large family. This part of her web is strong and fun with lines everywhere. With her desire for adventure, a small island held no hope of containing her long term.
The Seat of my soul has a sense of humor
I wish had learned this lesson sooner in life. The stillness that comes when you quiet the mind is a beautiful thing!
“You can learn to quiet your mind and listen to the song of your soul – Katrina Mayer”
The difference between how our body and minds manage pain are immense. Have you ever noticed that your body just keeps doing its work, and you don’t obsess over it unless it causes pain? Then you do what you need to deal with the pain and move on. Our mind on the other hand is constantly on high alert to protect itself.
Our mind is constantly obsessing. It is working to try to protect us from things that may not ever even happen. Constantly worrying about what might be, and putting together plans for how to avoid it. For some of us, the constant chatter in our heads is incessant.’
Osprey
Do you feel out of your comfort zone? Are the changes in your life overwhelming? Osprey lets you know you can survive even with your head under emotional waters.
“Know that now is the time to assert yourself. It will pay off. Believe in yourself!” Osprey
As my furry friend and I took our bone chilling walk this morning, I wondered why we are not as good a friend to ourselves as we are to others. I was proof positive of this, as I was always the first to criticize myself if I did something I perceived was not as good as it should be. The correct technical term is ‘Perfectionist’. It is something that I have been working hard on letting go of for a long time. Cutting myself a little slack.
But I knew that it wasn’t just me. There are many of us that do not treat ourselves very kindly. These people appeared to be all around me at the moment. Particularly those that were looking for work and unable to find it. They were perceiving themselves as not being worthy. Wondering why no interviews were coming their way, and blaming themselves.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is difficult for those of us that have been sheltering our hearts. But it opens up a whole new world of richer relationships when it is allowed.
“The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness. “ – Brene Brown
I have a confession, this little initiative of mine has a secondary purpose of forcing me to express my emotions, some of which have been bottled up for years and embracing what is most uncomfortable for me – Vulnerability.
Putting “Stop and Press Reset” out there was my first exercise, in exposing a little piece of me. To say it was uncomfortable for me is a tremendous understatement. Will they think that I am coming apart at the seams, I worried? Will they think that the rock is crumbling? All of these thoughts roamed through my head, and when I published the post and there was no turning back my emotions ranged from tremendous fear to uncomfortable resignation.
